Please! Stop With Your Excuses!

Posted on June 10, 2011

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Even before you reluctantly opened this post, I know exactly what you are thinking. That your years of devising these plans has been exposed, that your lifelong work has been revealed, that your world has unveiled its true colours. Lets not lie shall we? Lets read this post with open honesty, because I know what you did last summer.

Ok, firstly, I do not know what you did last summer, so please, no legal action.

Anyway, we have all been through it, where we are succumbed to telling the truth. The moment where we are faced with the horrifying situation of explaining your mischievous antics. The time where you are staring fate right in the face with no corner to turn to. But suddenly, out of all obscurity, something arrives. Something, luminous, dangerous and most importantly, villainous delivers hope in time of great need. Something, called EXCUSES.

Ever since time began, the world has substantially evolved from being unhygienic, unorthodox and uncanny cavemen to more developed, sophisticated creatures (or I hope we are). We have grown into more intellectual beings, with the ability to be educated, wealthy and supreme. The human race has risen to prominence since the dawn of time, however we have also inherited a negative trait. You know what I’m talking about right? If not, come on! Do I have to spell it out for you? The ability to tell a fib or two. To lie, and make excuses. The art of lying has been mostly implemented by teenagers, but everyone has the capability to tell a white lie, or even a red one.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Before you read any further, we must differentiate making excuses and lying. Lying is when you blatantly say something that quite clearly is untrue, and making excuses is creating a reason for the lie that is quite clearly untrue. So, lets carry on.

It seems as if this two-faced attribute can be beneficial as well as detrimental. Sure, if one has made up a lie or an excuse for the good of the recipient, then kudos to them. But, if you do not prosper from such a situation, then it can go horribly wrong. All horribly wrong.

Allow me to speak from past experiences. After just miraculously pulling of something unthinkable, unimaginable and something simply out of my reach, I finally completed something that had eluded me my entire life. I had my first girlfriend at the age of 24. Yes, thank you for your congratulatory, sarcastic clapping, and  I would have still got that date without my mothers intrusion, thank you very much.

Anyway, after 4 months of dating, my life was on the turn and I somehow acquired a great deal of fortuitous advantage. However, just like the story of my life, I blew it. One night a couple of months back created a very, very awkward moment, and not a pleasant remembrance. Again, yes, I know that you are nodding your head in disappointment, but allow me to elaborate. Would you turn the advances of a gorgeous, beautiful girl who had just had her heart-broken and was very, very, very vulnerable? Hey – don’t judge me, you know you would do the same.

Sorry, what can I do now?

Long story short, I was eventually found out by a unkown source which today I still do not know of. My girlfriend confronted me, and subliminally, I did what was a human protocol, something regarded as a commonality. I went with my instinct, and told a lie, followed by a purely stupid excuse. My lie was of course ”I did not do it, it’s all a lie!”, and my excuse? Well lets just say, never speak the words ‘fat’ and your girlfriend’s name in the same sentence.

Regardless of my futile efforts to prevail from a foregone conclusion, there are two  significant lessons that can be taken out of this.

  • Cover your kidneys when a woman has a baseball bat
  • Humans are programmed to lie, so let it happen!

As much as we hate to admit it, we all have told a lie before. There are two sides to every story, and for mine, it was  sticking my tongue down a drunk, heartbroken doll verses my girlfriend’s flirtatious moves on a jock Correct, for those of you thinking ‘hey, wait a minute, I thought he cheated on her?’, you my friend are wrong. I just found out that my sneaky rendezvous was equalising the score, yet I still remain the bad guy. Women.

The excuses and lies that we make stems from a young age. For those science geeks (sorry, I meant experts), you would understand that the chromosomes in our genes are split into 23 from our mothers and 23 from our fathers, and believe you me, one very special, fragile and rarefied pair of chromosome carries the genetic information for – you guessed it – lying.

For example, lets take the little, innocent children with the most adorable of faces. When a child is guilty of doing something they know is not permitted or  tolerated, such as breaking a vase by running at high-speed, what do you do? Obviously the first point of action will be to question the child on the subject, something like, ‘Johnny, I noticed a vase broken, so what happened?’. Well, after this devastating question is posed to the child, what do you notice?

I for one instantaneously begin to see a delirious child, agitated and frantically searching for salvation from this unmitigated disaster that they are in. Responses float around in the childs undeveloped head, each one providing a plausible facial expression to portray his undying sorrow for the broken vase, and giving him the possible reply from the parent.

Mother telling off Child

The next action is the child preparing to say something, anything that would merit his escape from this situation. What happens after this? Well simple, the parent is bombarded with half phrases which either do not make an inch of sense or simply sounds utterly stupid. One of the most common phrases used is the typical ‘um, er’, this device is intently used in order to stall for the child’s mind to continue forging through excuses. The other frequently used phrase is ‘what had happened was’, again here the child is attempting to confuse the parent into an oblivion that he/she assumes that the child is speaking the truth.

So, with all this said, what exactly do I mean? If you still don’t know, then God help your soul. But, because you are taking your time to read this, I will give you a nice, short summary.

Making excuses is a natural human trait, so to lying. There are various degrees of both that should not be tolerated, however others are just in the benefit of the person that you are lying to. Our past lies and excuses have caused us a great deal of mischief or anger, however what about the good lies, the funny lies and the most importantly, light-hearted ones? I’ve already told of my most humourous of lies or excuses, so what are yours?

Tell me your excuses that are either funny, or simply stupid (most will be stupid, I’m guessing).

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